So Mouse’s teeth have been bothering him for a while now, and I’ve been trying to make sure he gets enough calories, so I’ve been feeding him all the wet food he’ll eat. Sometimes he gets bored of eating the same thing over and over again, though, so I’ve been purchasing various “meat” “products” at my local 7-11, and grinding them up in the miniature food processor (so as to prevent sullying the Cuisinart with things purchased at my local 7-11). I thought I’d just make a list for you, to prove two things: one, how much I love my kitty cat and the lengths I will go to to make him happy, and two, why I don’t have anything interesting to say anymore. So here we go:
Gross Things My Cats Will Eat
- Baloney
- Clams
- Crab meat
- Human Baby Food
The crab meat and clams come in liquid, and if you mix one or both of them with standard-issue tuna fish, it’s like a disgusting seafood mélange (if you will), but they like it. Baloney, however, while filled with nitrites or nitrates or something else that humans aren’t supposed to consume, somehow is not packaged with enough water to make a suitably paste-like paste, so you have to add water if you’re going to grind up a slice of baloney in your food processor to feed to your elderly cat.
I, being allergic to crab meat and completely disgusted by the smell, texture, taste, and very idea of clams, did not believe that anything could smell more vile than ground tuna, crab, and clams. But I was wrong. Ground baloney is more disgusting than that.* I think it’s got something to do with the fact that fish actually occur in nature, where baloney does not.
So now you know. (You’re welcome.)
Next, we’re going to try hot dogs, I think.
In any event, so far I’ve only mixed Mouse’s antibiotic into the seafood, and it will likely come as no great surprise that he did not notice that there was any clyndamycin hydrochloride in there. (He might have noticed, though, and just thought, “Well, maybe if I just eat it, she won’t squirt a syringe full of it into my mouth. That’ll be better.” He’s pretty smart.)
Molly is going to have to have her teeth cleaned soon, to prevent any future difficulties with her teeth, but in the meantime, she is happily eating whatever I feed to Mouse, largely because she thinks that whatever Mouse has must be the most desirable thing on the face of the planet. She wants to be just like him, and while she’ll never be half as smart as he is, it’s really very sweet that she looks up to him and tries to emulate him. She’s a lot like my neighbors, though, who, no matter how often I display such behavior as not driving shopping carts home from the store, not putting my trash near the Dumpsters (but instead inside the Dumpsters), not having more children than I can afford, not purchasing produce from the men who drive around in an unmarked truck and announce their arrival via bullhorn, not walking willy-nilly into quickly-moving traffic, and not leaning out my living room window into the common areas of the grounds while shouting into my telephone in one or more foreign languages, do not seem to grasp that if you want to be just like someone else, you have to not only do the things they do, but also refrain from doing the things they do not do. I don’t think that’s such a hard concept to grasp, and I’m giving Molly a bye on this one, because her brain is only as big as a walnut, but my neighbors really should get with the program already.
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* Human baby food falls somewhere between those two things on the gross-ness scale – I’m not sure how anyone actually feeds a human baby without gagging on the smells emanating from any given jar of baby food. That stuff might be organic, but it strikes me as the same kind of organic that, say, cow poop is. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean you’d want to eat it.